I am in a deep, dark valley. I know that sounds really dramatic, but that is my reality. The current season of my life has been marked by incredible futility. Pretty much everything I am trying to do right now is met with failure.
As an example, I’ve been wanting to find a mentor – praying about it, reaching out to people, seeking out connections, making sure it’s not contrived or forced – and nothing is working out. I have been trying to do the things I love – reading, fitness, guitar – but I’m so uninspired and when I try to do those things it feels empty, useless, and pointless. I’ve been tackling some home improvement projects and there always seems to be some problem I can’t sort out. And when I reach out for help, help doesn’t come. Even the date nights and sweet things I attempt for Rachel are falling way short (for example, the food was not good at all, or the gift I got didn’t really work out)). Plus, I can’t seem to get physically well from sinus infections no matter what I try, I can’t seem to protect my extended family from preventable hardships, and I can’t seem to get traction on any attempts to make new friends. I’m so tired of constantly striking out.
The current season of my life has been marked by incredible futility. Pretty much everything I am trying to do right now is met with failure.
I’ve been here before. Multiple times. If I look back on the trajectory of my life, there are regular cycles of a couple good years followed by a couple of bad years. And I also remember that my past has been marked by intense periods of failure and futility.
One embarrassing example comes to mind: between my first love and my last love, I remember trying so much to connect with a girl (seriously, any girl that I thought had potential), and every effort was a flop. A complete fail. I even wrote out of a list of all of the girls, and all of my attempts (I’m going to be incredibly vulnerable here and tell you that it was over 20 girls – hey, at least I was doing my part!). It was just comical – not because of the way I approached them (I was cool and normal and not creepy about it at all, I promise) – but because it was so very clear that God was thwarting me. I knew He was behind this. Because logically and statistically – one of those attempts should have worked out. For at least a little. For at least a minute, or an hour. For at least one quick coffee date, or even an extended conversation.
But they didn’t. Not a single one. Not even a little bit, not even an iota of possible interest. Why? Because I am absolutely repulsive to the opposite sex, and have zero redeeming qualities? Nope, that is not it.
Because God is on the throne, and He loves me, and He had a different plan. A perfect plan, where He wanted to take care of things and where it wasn’t all up to me.
In retrospect, I am super thankful not one of those attempts or advances worked out because it protected my heart, mind, and emotions before Rachel came around. However, it was absolutely brutal to live in such a state of perpetual disappointment while trying to make something happen with the best and purest of intentions.
During that time, I just shook my head, shrugged my shoulders, and resigned myself to the fact that nothing I could do would bring about any change unless He was behind it. And only after He decided to move, and after His plan came to fruition, was I able to see why I was mired in futility for so long. SO LONG.
It was absolutely brutal to live in such a state of perpetual disappointment while trying to make something happen with the best and purest of intentions.
And now, it’s happening again. I’m attempting anything and everything with the best and purest of intentions, inevitably failing, and returning with a sigh to that familiar place of painful resignation because nothing makes sense right now. Logically and statistically, something I attempt should work out. At least one thing!
As you might imagine, I’m trying to reconcile all of this just so I can figure out what to do (or not to do). In my devotional this morning I read over Ephesians 4, where it talks about futility.
To paraphrase, it basically says that I can’t live life as many others do – in the futility of their minds, who are darkened in their understanding and alienated from God’s way of doing things simply because of ignorance and also due to hardness in their heart.
That feels pretty spot on. One of my favorite pastors and speakers (Tony Evans) once said that if we are living life to the fullest, we should regularly experience spiritual realities (His power, presence, peace, guidance, wisdom, and joy) in our life. Even though I have in the past, I am not right now. In fact, He feels very far from me, even though He doesn’t move away (ever) – I do.
I do feel caught up in the futility of my mind. As I am not single anymore, building and taking care of a family has become my priority, and everything about that takes up a lot of space in my brain. I guess it’s a good thing because I do want to feel the weight of such a noble responsibility, but it is also a bad thing because I constantly catch myself leaning on my own smarts and wit and ambitions and ideas and abilities and efforts. Not His. And I don’t want that.
Everything in this world tells you to lean on yourself to make things happen. But I know me. I’m not God – not even close. I can’t and don’t want to live under the pressure that everything is up to me. That’s why I’m so thankful God is God, and He is in charge – not me.
There’s this great verse in 1 Corinthians 3 which says “for the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God.” And that “He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness.” Most days, if I were to be totally objective, I really do think I am wise and clever in what I tackle and try to knock out for the good of my life. But I recognize that it’s not totally guided by Him, but instead by what the world is telling me I should do. Honestly, I do feel trapped in the snare of my own cleverness. But it’s my own fault, not His.
The very next verse says “The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise; he knows they are worthless.” It’s like He’s just waiting for me to STOP. “Just STOP already!” I hear Him say to my heart. But I can’t stop, it seems. I am a hot mess right now.
Everything in this world tells you to lean on yourself to make things happen. But I know me. I’m not God – not even close. I can’t and don’t want to live under the pressure that everything is up to me.
As I keep trying, and failing, I can sense that my heart is getting hardened. I can really feel it. I’m starting to think things, and say things under my breath and out loud that betray this sad reality. And it’s awful. I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to move in this direction even slightly. It’s just like the verse from Ephesians 4 says: the futility of my mind’s thoughts is increasingly darkening my understanding (about Him and the way life works when led by Him). And it’s causing me to be alienated from God, my one and only true source. This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.
I need a way out. Badly. Nothing I am doing is working, and I am convinced He is thwarting me for my own good. I hate how I currently feel, but I’m glad He doesn’t want me drifting away, and clearly is fighting for my heart. Because He loves me.
I’m fighting for my heart too.
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[…] we all been there and done that? I can’t just chill and go focus on something else. I need to try to manipulate the situation so things happen on my own […]
I am sort of there. There are things I am working on that seem to fit well together, but I feel I don’t know enough to be persuasive to anyone. The places I feel I should culturally fit into like go to the right school and study marketable interests does not work out for me. The life many around me encouraged me to live, I lost the passion for. I do have a Masters degree, but do not want to be it. I find a way to wiggle myself out and follow creative thinking. I know I should let God take care of it, and I pray for that. I get into a dark place where scarcity seems like my lot. I think I am willing to accept losing all of my money and possessions over the passage of time due to my trouble conforming and fitting in. Maybe this is good, because before perceived scarcity caused me to hoard things.
Hey Brent,
Thanks for your comment. Reading your words, I feel like your heart *is* in the right place. Remember that condemnation does not come from God. He is working, somehow. He does have your best in mind. I’m sorry that you’re in a desert season where it doesn’t seem like the path and the destiny align. I want to encourage you to continue to reject the scarcity mindset even if it seems illogical to do so, even if it seems that your past SHOUTS it out. The Word asks us to believe for the best, and to stiffarm doubt and questions and keep trusting He will provide. I always tell Rachel that I am trying to live a grand experiment of faith – and you are the scientific type, you understand experiments. Try to get back to basics – what brings you joy? What makes your heart come alive? And then remember that He wants you to have life to the fullest – I have to believe that inherent in that would be something that brings you joy and makes your heart come alive – to drive you, to do professionally. Perhaps it’s time for a major shift…and he’s setting the stage for that. I will remember to pray for you, that He redeems your past, and brings everything together to finally make sense. Continue to live from your heart, continue to take chances as led by Him. I will write your name on my mirror to remember. Would love an update in the months ahead.
I’m there. Because God is shaking
I’m not right with Him. He’s shaking because time is short and I’m still trying to hang onto the world!! I’m so ashamed! I need to be shook!
I’m proud of you, Mary Rose. You recognize that nothing else will satisfy. He just wants you to draw near as best as you can every day, and try to find joy in the quiet moments, the intimate moments where He can speak to your heart. That’s it. We trust Him for our future. He’s the only one in control anyway. I’m praying for you!
I found myself in a situation where absolutely nothing I do is working in my favor. (which is how I found Childlike Faith) I’ve been trying to get my family out of homelessness, and find a reliable source of income to be able to afford a new place and get out of my parents home, because Im so uncomfortable. I pray, I help others, and I always have pure intentions. God gave me a dream, and a vision, but I don’t have the necessary tools or connections. I just don’t understand what God is telling me. Lately I have been battling with giving up and have experienced mental break downs because I do not understand what’s happening in my life.
Ray, thanks for taking the time to write. I just want to say that I am sorry this season has been so rough and it feels like you just keep hitting your head against a wall, not making progress on anything. I want to tell you that I have been there, and that the seasons of my life like this lasted years. Obviously I pray that you come out of this soon and that things get measurably better. All I know is that we have given our life over to this God, a good, good God, who loves us, sent His son for us, and reconciled us in our sin to Him…so that we could have a best friend in Jesus, so that we could know our Father in heaven as protector, provider, and leader. We believe not just some of His promises, but all of them, and He promises a hope and a future for you. Right now I just want you to keep hanging on. That is enough. He sees you, He feels your pain, He speaks to your heart. Just keep holding on. I am praying you get a breakthrough soon, but no matter how long it takes, He *will* in time prove Himself good and faithful. He will. It’s what He does, it’s who He is.
I am at the crossroads. For five years, I have been unemployed and almost unable to convince anyone to hire me despite having good papers, a rich experience from the banking and great passion for what I do.
I am a young father of three adorable daughters, a husband of one great wife.
I love the Lord and am deeply committed to His ways.
I have prayed and tried a few things to remain sane and afloat. Yet nothing seems to work but the new normal – palpable failure.
I put so much effort at something, sometimes working 10- 12 straight hours with no success.
It feels like God is thwarting my current plans because gauging my understanding of what I do- am quite good at it.
It’s very, very painful to be @this tight spot.
Leonard, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and situation. I am thankful that you have three adorable daughters and one great wife. That matters. That is a very special gift. I’m so sorry that it’s been such a long season of futility. My heart honestly hurts for you as I read your words and as I pray for breakthrough in your life. I don’t have an answer as to why nothing is working. I don’t know how much longer this will last. But I am here, in your corner, pulling for you, and remembering you. I don’t want you to struggle. God loves you and sees you where you are and hasn’t forgotten about you. I want to believe, I have to believe, that He will redeem this story, your story. I hope you can hold onto that hope as I am, and just keep doing the next right thing. And keep loving that family of yours. God, please come through for your son. Soon.
You have no idea how much I resonate with you man. I am beginning to Hate God. I hate him for making me, I hate him for the state of the world, for paying for Adam & Eve’s mistakes even though they chose the tree of knowledge and I didnt, I hate God for making our chrustian walk so hard and vague and confusing, I hate that God never explains anything to us. I hate that everything I want is an Idol, from my desire to get married, to what I want to eat today. I don’t have past season of breakthrough to base my life on, ever since starting my walk one thing after another has failed. And that’s led me to believe that all the Christian life is, is suffering, striving, constant change, and the constant metaphorical mutilation of you flesh and mind and desires. I don’t think I have the capacity to love God anymore, it’s nice to hear that Jesus died for me, but at the same time it I can’t help but think of that’s all O get, no physical attraction to God, no relationship, no matter how much I read or pray, it only feels one sided. All I see is “walk by faith not by sight.” “You’re damned this, you’re damned that”. I just don’t know what to do, my heart is hard at this point, and even when it was soft I still struggled woth this. I am tired of seeking and not finding, I want God to come to me for a change you know, I want to actually talk to him, bot do this pray and he doesn’t answer crap.
Hey Joseph, I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I have felt the same way as you, hating God, hating Him for all of the injustice I saw in the world. But that doesn’t help us, or serve us, or move us forward. It just keeps us stuck. And you know like I know that He’s not responsible for all of the injustice and sadness and pain. People are. I am not sure if our Christian walk is hard and vague and confusing. Maybe we just make it that way because we are trying to get something out of it, something material, some sort of blessing. I get that. I do that. But I remember His teachings, for example, Micah 6:8, and try to act justly, to love mercy and faithfulness, and to walk humbly with Him. I find no real lasting satisfaction each day outside of doing my best to honor Him. And then I have to let the chips fall where they may. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself, thinking everything is an idol. It’s a desire on your heart to get married. That’s special. It’s not an idol unless you’re obsessing over it and really trying to manipulate situations so that it can happen. You should keep wanting it and praying for it and putting yourself in places where you can meet that person, and meanwhile just keep working on yourself to become the best version of you. That’s reasonable, right? I don’t want you to hate yourself for what you choose to eat each day. You know that moderation is healthy, and so just aim for that. There is no rulebook. Jesus came and broke the hold of legalism on us. Just try to have your heart in the right place, try to make wise decisions as you’re able only because wisdom is a good thing and honors Him. I am not doubting that you need Him to show up tangibly in your life. I want that for you. I will pray for that. But it’s not one-sided. He is still active, He is still moving, He is still preparing. I hope you get your miracles. I hope you can try to hold on. It’s easy to get cynical and tired and burnt out. We’re supposed to remain childlike. And trust the process. I’m sorry it’s taking so long. I believe He can redeem this waiting, this silence, this lack of breakthrough. And bring healing and restoration and answered prayers. Know I am standing with you during this desert season because I have gone through it myself. I will write your name on my mirror right now and that way keep you in my prayers.