What I’ve Learned in Ten Years of Marriage

Did you know that the traditional gift to mark ten years of marriage is tin or aluminum? Apparently, those metals symbolize the flexibility and durability required to last a decade together. Okay, I guess. That feels a little underwhelming to me. But when I learned the modern gift for ten years is diamonds, that seemed overwhelming. Shouldn’t diamonds signify way bigger milestones further down the road? Regardless, I didn’t give Rachel a present of tin, aluminum, or diamonds for our tenth anniversary. It just didn’t seem right.

Instead, we celebrated by traveling to Norway, where I attended a research conference for a few days and then stayed a bit longer to hike some breathtaking, bucket-list trails (the featured image above is from our hike to the iconic Trolltunga). With Rachel’s parents watching the kids, we had a rare stretch of uninterrupted time to reconnect and focus on one another. It was so great. It was a gift for us both – an opportunity to focus exclusively on each other in a way that daily life seldom allows.

This brings me to what I consider the most important lesson from our ten years together. Last year, I wrote about the daily practice of sacrificial love and how central it is to our relationship. Lately, though, I’ve realized that sacrifice is really just one part of something larger – intentionality. If there’s anything that sets our marriage apart and makes me proud of what we’ve built, it is the fact that Rachel and I have chosen to be intentional, on purpose, year after year.

I won’t pretend it’s always easy. The days often feel long and relentless where we are just surviving school and work and mealtimes and extracurriculars until we get to experience the sweet release of falling asleep pretty much immediately after the kids go down. Like everyone else’s, our lives are perhaps way too full, but choosing to be intentional towards each other in the midst of all has been incredibly powerful in contributing to the kind of marriage I wanted. Let me explain what I mean.

Intentionality with Our Thoughts and Values

As a Christian, I am very mindful about what I allow into my mind, heart, and home. I filter what we watch and engage with, choosing to avoid shows or movies that conflict with my convictions about faithfulness and contentment. For me, that looks like skipping Game of Thrones, Love Island, The Bachelor, and films or shows that feature nudity or sexual content. I don’t ask or expect others to make the same choices, but for me these boundaries keep my attention fixed where it belongs, helping me appreciate and cherish Rachel relationally and physically without the distraction of comparison or insatiable longing for something else.

To be clear, I’m not perfect in this area. Earlier on in the whole Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift news cycle, I was surprised to find myself feeling a twinge of envy – something that’s not typical for me. I found myself regularly wondering, “How in the world did he end up with her?” It kind of served as a wake-up call, where I realized I needed to bring my focus back to the person I’ve chosen for life, and to remember the unique qualities that make Rachel irreplaceable. Allowing my thoughts to wander – even harmlessly – can easily open up space for discontentment to grow, and that’s something I always want to guard against.

I realized I needed to bring my focus back to the person I’ve chosen for life, and to remember the unique qualities that make Rachel irreplaceable. Allowing my thoughts to wander – even harmlessly – can easily open up space for discontentment to grow, and that’s something I always want to guard against.

Intentionality with Adventure

I believe that all of us long for adventure. Remember, this was such a big part of our heart’s desire while growing up (think about the stories you read and the movies that you loved!). It’s still in there in all of us, but it’s often buried under the heavy responsibilities have have piled up over the years. I remember reading the writings of John Eldredge when I was younger, and how he pointed out that women don’t want to be the adventure (to a man) – they want to be swept up in an adventure. This is how I approached life with Rachel while dating and even while married. We have chosen to live frugally in a number of ways so that we can set out on grand adventures – usually in nature where we feel closest to God and where we can hear His promptings so much easily and clearly.

When we were dating, we traveled to the Galapagos Islands. For our honeymoon, we ventured to Acadia National Park. The year before Maya was born, we backpacked across Europe for six weeks. The summer before she was born, we spent time climbing castle ruins across Ireland. Since having kids, we have sought out winter and summer adventures in the White Mountains, Rockies, Adirondacks, Appalachians, Smokies, Poconos, Olympics, and Cascades. It sounds clichéd, but our love really does deepen when we’re out in the wild – relying on each other, encouraging one another, and growing together. These shared experiences are at the heart of our marriage.

Intentionality with Honesty

I have never lied to Rachel. Ever. Even when I misspeak in haste or laziness or as a shortcut way of saying something, I correct myself to her a few minutes later simply because my conscience will not allow me to let it go. I’m kind of militant about it. How can I lie to the love of my life? I can’t. I won’t.

This takes effort. But this has built an inpenetrable bond of trust between us. She knows that she can trust me without even a shred of concern or doubt. 100%. Rachel knows that when I speak, I mean every word. When I tell her she is beautiful, when I thank her for being a terrific mother, or when I say I love her, she is able to believe me without reservation. That’s not something I take for granted.

This also means I refuse to say anything that’s manipulative or passive-aggressive – whether it’s to sway her decisions, get her to help me, or make her feel bad because she did something differently than I would have. Manipulation and passive aggression are, in my view, just subtler forms of dishonesty, and I want no part of that in our marriage. I choose to be direct with Rachel: if I’m struggling or need something, I tell her plainly. Otherwise, she can rest assured that I love her as she is – that I’m not measuring her against some hidden standard or quietly wishing she were different. I truly believe a lot of couples get tripped up by this – holding each other to unspoken expectations, or piling up silent resentments. Honestly, if we could root that out, so many marriages (and individuals) would be healthier and more free.

Manipulation and passive aggression are, in my view, just subtler forms of dishonesty, and I want no part of that in our marriage. I choose to be direct with Rachel: if I’m struggling or need something, I tell her plainly. Otherwise, she can rest assured that I love her as she is – that I’m not measuring her against some hidden standard or quietly wishing she were different.

As the years go by, it is so very easy for complacency to creep in and take root, where it becomes the new norm. I have to actively fight against this. We all should. I absolutely don’t have everything figured out, and I know I fall short in plenty of areas. I could plan more date nights for Rachel, surprise her with flowers or some exotic dark chocolate, or handwrite a love letter (it’s definitely been too long since my last one). But even with my imperfections, I remain consistently intentional in the three ways I described above, and it has made a profound difference in our marriage.

If you’re reading this and your relationship isn’t where you want it to be, I hope these words offer a bit of encouragement. Maybe just choose one area to focus on and let that be your starting point. That’s what I try to do. While we are all on our own journeys, we all can be more intentional with the steps we take.

PS. Feel free to check out lessons learned at my six month, one year, two year, three year, four year, five year, six year, seven year, eight year, and nine year anniversaries!