Well, I should’ve posted this last summer – but hey, better late than never, right? Being married for nine years has changed me in ways I never saw coming. Rachel could tell you all about how I’ve grown up (in areas I didn’t even know needed work), and honestly, I feel more grounded, more stable, and – this is a big one – I actually like me more than I used to.

Today, I want to talk about the central, pivotal role of sacrifice in our marriage. I know, it doesn’t sound super fun, but I can’t think of anything more critical. Let me tell you why.

I’ve mentioned in earlier blogs that, while we were dating (and even during the first couple of years after we got married), I tried to sort of shoehorn Rachel into my already-established life. I mean, I’d spent years carefully fine-tuning my daily routines and preferences. But the thing is, she wanted to build an entirely new life with me – not just slide into a pre-packaged one that worked for me. Of course she did. That makes sense. But it genuinely didn’t occur to me. And I’m sure it caused her pain – not because I meant to be hurtful, but just because I was stuck in my own ways.

When I finally had my “aha!” moment, I became a much better husband. Things genuinely got better for both of us. If I had to distill it down to a single thing, it’s this: sacrifice. I’m convinced that sacrifice is the secret sauce of a great marriage.

Looking back, I sacrificed a lot growing up – helping my parents, helping my sister, holding things together at home. I probably shouldn’t have been asked to carry so much as a kid, but maybe I should’ve drawn the line more, too. So I denied myself and prioritized others, not out of some savior complex, but because I knew life was hard. Even brutally hard, at least sometimes. My willingness to sacrifice came from wanting to bring that person a little bit of joy, or make their life easier in some small way. Around this time, I found a guiding verse, Proverbs 3:27, which states “Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help.” That verse profoundly shaped me. I still try to live it out each day.

My willingness to sacrifice came from wanting to bring that person a little bit of joy, or make their life easier in some small way. Around this time, I found a guiding verse, Proverbs 3:27, which states “Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help.” That verse profoundly shaped me. I still try to live it out each day.

Fast forward to married life: marriage gives you endless opportunities to sacrifice. Here’s one: Rachel asks me to join her and Maya and Ravi at the beach. Do I want to say yes? No, not really. (I know you’d probably say yes every time because the beach is awesome!). I’d rather get caught up on the million things that need to be done to stay on top of life. Do I say yes? Yes. Why? Because the ocean fills Rachel’s soul. She comes alive there. And she wants to share the experience with me because her primary love language is quality time. As a side benefit, I think to myself that maybe she can actually relax and enjoy it even more if I’m there to help lug the beach blanket and chairs and umbrella and cooler and boogie boards, and help her make sure the kids don’t drown in the water or totally bury one another in the sand.

I want to do that for her. I want to rise up and be her helpmate. I love her. I freaking love her. She’s my queen. She doesn’t need me to do it, but I need me to do it, because this is what love looks like in action.

That explanation might sound complicated, but at its core, it’s really simple. If your heart is in the right place, it is simple. Do you love your partner? Do you want to bring them a little bit of joy, and make their life easier in some small way? If yes, then you sacrifice. And you do it again, and again, and again. Never keeping track. Never bringing it up in the future to level the score or get your way. You do it because self-sacrifice is the hallmark of love. God modeled it. Jesus modeled it. Every leader I admire has modeled it.

Plus, every one of us has multiple daily battles, some of which are unseen and unspoken. That’s why it’s so important that we’re on the same team, looking for ways to support each other. By now, I’ve learned what sacrifices really help her (trying to slow down and be affectionate even when I’m in “work mode” or organizing a babysitter for a date night), and she’s learned what helps me (which involves giving me time and space, because I’m a strong introvert).

Here’s one more thing – perhaps the most important part: you must never make your sacrifices feel like a “big deal” to your partner. You’re going to want to. Occasionally, I want to, because when it’s been a really hard day and I’m operating out of a deficit instead of a surplus, my flesh feels like she really needs to know that this is costing me something.

But, thankfully, I hold my tongue. At least, I hope I do. No one wants their partner’s love to feel like a chore. So don’t do it. Bite your tongue. Remember your vows. Remember that you chose this person, that they’re the gift you prayed for. And above all, remember who you want to be: honorable, noble, strong, and selfless. At least that’s what I think about. I know that this is my calling in my family – and far beyond – and that realization helps me.

Remember who you want to be: honorable, noble, strong, and selfless. At least that’s what I think about. I know that this is my calling in my family – and far beyond – and that realization helps me.

Sacrifice is the rhythm of our days. It’s not for show. It’s not manipulation. It’s just how Rachel and I love each other and how our marriage has stayed healthy and become stronger. And here’s a bonus: our kids get a front row seat to what real partnership looks like. They’re learning about self-sacrificial love, about being a team. And while I definitely don’t do everything perfectly, my hope is that they will model what they’ve seen later in their own relationships. I’m proud to be able to say that, and really mean that.

PS. If you’re interested, I’ve shared my reflections at previous marriage milestones: six month, one year, two year, three year, four year, five year, six year, seven year, and eight year anniversaries. Feel free to click through and message me if any meet you right where you are!