So there was this one time where I really liked a particular girl. It was way back in 2005. She was all wrong for me, but I still wanted it to work, and gave it my all because I thought it just might. I would be sweet and endearing and thoughtful. I would demonstrate in meaningful ways how much I cared about her and her family. I would put in the effort to keep in touch on a regular basis. But something wasn’t right…and I would think to myself, man, it shouldn’t be this hard. But I didn’t have a reference point against which to measure what a great relationship looks like. And “on paper,” it seemed like we would be great together. To be honest, I think it was one of those situations where the timing was wrong. In the past, she had seemingly liked me, but I wasn’t feeling it. And now, I really liked her, and she wasn’t feeling it. But I couldn’t let it go, and detach. It felt like it was taking over my entire life, and it was eating me up inside. Constant questions filled my mind: “What is wrong with her?” “Why won’t she reciprocate?” “What am I doing wrong?” “Why isn’t this working?” And my mind and my world WOULD NOT STOP SPINNING.
Have you ever felt this way? It’s so awful. When you’re caught up in it – whether it involves a girl, or a boy, or a friendship, or something at school, or at work, or even with a parent – you’re just a complete mess. You have zero perspective, you can’t see the forest for the trees, and it’s like you’re in a deep, dark hole that you’ve unwittingly dug for yourself. But you have no idea how it even happened. It just did. You’re just stuck – and the hole is seriously getting deeper.
Eventually, you may get to a point where you are completely unstable, and it starts to affect the other areas of your life. And those who care about you are so confused, and begging you to get a grip because that one thing – in my case, a girl – can’t possibly have such power and control and influence over you. And you know that’s correct, but it doesn’t change the fact that right now, you are in a total fog. And every day is getting increasingly worse. And you feel completely helpless. I’ve been there. It sucks so much.
What do you do in these situations? Well, there is no easy answer. And in those moments, it’s hard to even hear suggested answers, let alone implement them – despite the good intentions with which they are offered. But I personally have to believe that there are things we can do, and I can at least share what has worked for me in the hopes that it can help someone. You know I am all about childlike faith, and in my childlike faith I am convinced that God doesn’t want us to get stuck in these places, and actually wants us to prevent them from even happening, as much as possible. But I also want to be gracious towards everyone and remember that life is broken and people are broken, and issues of mental health, chemical imbalances, and unbelievably painful pasts complicate the situation tremendously. So, I share this with hesitation but in love.
Regain Control of Your Mind
First, I remind myself that because Christ lives inside of me and given us the Holy Spirit as a deposit, I can take every thought captive and make it obedient to how He would want me to think. I truly believe that. We are not supposed to just swallow all of the ideas created by our untrustworthy and random emotions, and assume they are the truth – the truth about who we are, what we’re worth, and what our future looks like. But so many people do. We can agree that our emotions are all over the place, and yet we allow those emotions to guide how we feel, and most of what we say and do. As if they have the final say on how our lives turn out. They do not.
I can’t take every thought captive in my own strength. I’ve tried. Perhaps you’ve tried as well. It may work for a short while, but not long-term. And it’s fallible, because I am fallible. The cool thing is that it is not solely up to us, and that He is ready and willing to help. I know it’s hard for a lot of people to think that we have actual, real spiritual support when we live in a world and culture that exalts science and disparage spirituality (which I find funny, because science hasn’t – and can’t – prove absolutely everything). But the fact of the matter is that if you are a believer, He is there to help you.
Set Yourself Up For Small Victories
But, I can’t do it arbitrarily or randomly. I actually have to be more intentional than that to get out of the hole I’m in. And so I once again remind myself that His Spirit is within me, enabling me to do all things, and I to go on “mini-streaks” in my mind. So when it comes to this girl who I could not let go of and get over, I would try not to think about her for ten minutes straight. If she entered my thinking, I would remember His words, and outright reject the thought of her and figuratively cut her out of my thought life.
I knew it had to be a clean break. I couldn’t allow her to have a foothold – or even a toehold – in my mind, given how emotionally wrapped up and messed up I was at that point. And I didn’t need to be reminded of her in any capacity, and she had to be deleted from my phone and blocked on social media. Nothing against her, of course – I just needed to do what I needed to do to regain stability and health. That’s most important anyway, and so I couldn’t hesitate to take drastic measures if my actual well-being was the goal. If I got to ten minutes of not thinking about her, I would feel really thankful and proud of myself. And then I would try to get to thirty minutes. And then an hour.
It wasn’t easy. It took me a solid week to keep her out of my thoughts for an hour. But I was making progress. And after many weeks, I got to an entire day. And then I knew that it was happening. He was helping me conquer this. And I was getting back on track.
Use Your Faith to Defend Against Attacks
It wasn’t easy or automatic. Thoughts of her did creep back in sometimes. But when they did, what also helped me was reminding myself to take up the shield of faith. And yes, that is metaphorical, but it actually activated my mind and heart to lift up and set in place a figurative “force field” of sorts – something to stop and deflect and extinguish all of the fiery arrows (negative thoughts) that are volleyed against me. I don’t care where they come from – from my own self-doubt and fear, from societal pressures and expectations of what I or my life should look like, from Satan – it doesn’t matter. God wants us to remember the agency He has given us to overcome.
To be honest, some days the negative thoughts keep coming. They are relentless, and they are vicious. But I am not a helpless victim. You would agree that no one and no thing has the right to physically abuse you, and you would do absolutely everything in your power to keep it from happening. However, we are sometimes willing participants in our own emotional abuse. And we don’t do a single thing to stop it, let alone everything in our power. We just take it. But He’s told us what we should do, and He has promised us to help us along the way. We just have to do our part and implement His instructions, instead of looking everywhere else for advice and solutions.
Build an Altar of Remembrance
Finally, I am a big fan of altars of remembrance. This is when I create a defined moment in the history of my life where I give something over to God in a profound, hallowed, and ceremonial way. This has been modeled by so many heroes of the faith, and to me their lives are worth emulating in this manner. So, in 2005, I flew out to Colorado, and my best friend Dan and I decided to climb the 14,110 feet of Pikes Peak in Manitou Springs. Because I wasn’t acclimated to the altitude, it was a pretty miserable six-hour slog to the top for me. But I had to get to the summit, and I wasn’t going to quit no matter what. Along the way, I thought about the girl, and my life, and attempted to view the situation from God’s perspective. I thought about His love for me, and His epic plans for my future, and how I knew without a doubt that He didn’t want me struggling so much like this. Over a girl. And frankly, over anything. And I knew I wanted to be completely done with it, and surrender it over to Him, fully letting go and fully letting God provide me the right relationship He had for me at the right time.
And so when we got to the top, I remember catching a snowflake on my tongue (it had just started snowing right up there at the top – even though it was the middle of August) and then corralled Dan and our other friends together over on the side, off the beaten path, and away from other hikers. And I reached into my backpack and took out a pen and some scrap paper. And I told them that I had been struggling with something that was weighing heavily on my heart, and that I needed closure. And I told them I was going to write it on a bit of paper and then bury it at the top of Pikes Peak. And leave it here, forever, and be done with it.
And Dan spoke up and said that he’d love to do the same thing, and one by one so did our other friends. And so I tore small pieces off of my scrap paper and handed them out, and everyone wrote down at least one thing (and perhaps more) that they were dealing with, and that was holding them back and messing them up. And we all folded up our pieces of paper (mine, of course, had the girl’s name on it) and created a hole into which they could be deposited. And after covering them up with a lot of rocks, we all stood over the spot in a circle and prayed. We prayed that God would honor our heart’s desire to pursue emotional health by deliberately burying what was plaguing us, what was worrying us, what was causing us to not trust Him. And there, we let them go.
When I got back to Florida and the girl randomly popped into my mind, I told myself that I had left her and the hope of the relationship at the top of Pikes Peak. That was my altar of remembrance, where God and I ended one chapter, and started another. And that helped me so much. I have altars of remembrance in certain places across America, definitely in Florida, and even in other countries (when I’ve gone on missions trips). And they represent other areas in my life too – not just involving girls. And taking every thought captive and employing my shield of faith has gotten markedly easier as I’ve put these strategies into regular and constant practice. It takes a long while, but you do reach a tipping point, and I can’t emphasize how much it is worth it.
When I start to head in a bad direction because of something in my life, this is exactly what I do. Nothing more, and nothing less. It isn’t magic, and it doesn’t perfectly solve every problem. But it truly can make a drastic difference. When you are starting to flounder and fail, maybe you can try these techniques. Just try to do so as early as possible, because the longer you let it go, the harder it is to escape the deep, dark hole you’re in. But no matter where you find yourself, do not give up. There is always, always hope. There is always a way out.
I enjoyed reading your blog
Thank you, Betty! I appreciate your kind words!