This is what I am thinking: we just need to make certain choices firmly. And just commit to them and be settled in our hearts about it. And stop waffling all the time. If it is something He has brought up repeatedly, why do I dismiss it repeatedly? I mean, He keeps popping it into my heart and head. But I am like…eh….hmmmm….gahhhh….doop de doo…can’t really think about that right now…don’t really want to think about that right now. Why? Because it’s not convenient for me and my stubborn will, wanting to do things and do life my way. Even though I pretty much don’t have a clue. Even though He has shown me that often, and tried to get it through my thick-headedness.
I am also realizing that it takes a lot of mental energy to wrestle with the things He keeps bringing up on a daily or weekly basis that I haven’t settled – the things I am unstable about. They linger in the back of my mind, they pop into my head at various times, they weigh on my conscience and heart. And I would definitely feel more freed and lightweight and peaceable if I would just, once and for all, make a firm choice and stick to it at all costs. That would bring stability, for sure. But it’s scary. Because what if we’re wrong?
Sometimes I just feel like I can’t make (and hold fast to) that firm choice because honestly, we never really know what the future holds. And we hate to miss out on certain things. And sometimes we go through seasons where nothing amazing seems to be happening. But I have to believe that if it’s supposed to be part of my life, and God has everything under control, then I’m not going to miss out on what He has for me. I’m just not. Decisions I felt like I should make as prompted by God and guided by the Word and tons of prayer (and even fasting) and by those who mentor me and hold me accountable will not cause me to miss out. They just won’t. God has to be bigger than that. And I know He is bigger than that. We also sometimes just don’t want to deal with what we are going to have to give up and not have in our lives anymore (even if it brought more negatives than positives).
If I think about it, the root of double-mindedness that leads to instability is (you probably guessed it) FEAR. Yep, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the bottom falling out, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of the grass being greener everywhere else but where you have decided to stand. And I remember what [one of my favorite authors] Donald Miller taught me – that the most frequent command in God’s Word is “Do not fear” (mentioned over 200 times!). It’s like He knew we were really going to struggle with this, more than anything. And all of this, then, brings us right back to our desperate need to learn how to trust God and rest in His promises (as outlined by the Word) more and more and more. I know that I cannot trust and rely on my feelings, but that the feelings are real and I can’t pretend they don’t affect me (sometimes so very much). I need to know that it’s okay to struggle and wrestle with them. And bring them back to Him. My friend Tammy once reminded me that God is not insecure – He can handle whatever we bring to Him and help us work through the confusion and pain, and not love us any less. And He is the source of the answer and solution we are looking for anyway. Everything begins and ends with him. Everything.
I want to be someone who chooses, and chooses the right things as led by God – who I want to stay incredibly close to all the time. This is how we become single-minded and stable, instead of double-minded and unstable. This is what will set you and me apart. We will have listened to His leading, made the choice, and then the matter would be settled. And then it wouldn’t be kicking around in our heads all the time. And He can tell us to ease up or slow down or change directions, but we would stay the course until that point.
Maybe you could about one choice or decision or thing that keeps being brought up in your mind over the course of weeks…or months…or even years. If it keeps being brought up over and over again by God, and you’ve prayed about it a bunch, and sought extended and meaningful counsel about it, and things are still the same and you still feel unstable in this area, why don’t you just make a decision one way or the other the next time He brings it up? And settle it. And be done with it. And then just trust Him and rely on Him to help you stick to it…to do your part so that He can finally do His part, now that you’ve made a choice. I mean, we are always wailing and asking Him to move in our lives…but what if our instability is what has been holding Him back all along!!!!?!?!?! That would be so awful. And such a shame.
I don’t pretend this is going to be easy. But it feels right. It’s like, you make a good decision and you gain some ground. And you grow just a little bit more fully into wisdom, and discipline, and steadfastness. And you become more stable over all. And then you do it all over again…making another good decision, and gaining a little bit more ground. And more stability. And over and over again. That is for sure what I am after, and in time I just *know* that the good effects of it will ripple throughout all areas of my life. It will. That’s just how He works!!!