There are beautiful girls everywhere. They are on the treadmills at the gym, they are in the produce section of the grocery store, they are employees where you work or students where you go to school – they are everywhere. But if you are in a relationship – if God blesses you with a relationship, you had better be all about that other person and not have wandering eyes.
It seems easy to slip up. Really easy. Maybe you won’t start a conversation that leads to a secret date and then an affair, but the Bible teaches that even if you so much as look at another woman with lust, you’ve committed adultery. I don’t want to slip up. I am scared of slipping up for fear that I will ruin the best thing He’s ever given me (and when you’ve waited on God and your dream comes along, you know it’s the best thing and you never take it for granted). I am also scared that I will place a wedge in between Him and I, and I can’t handle that distance, I can’t do life without Him as close as possible to me.
When I was single, I would see a beautiful girl and my mind would – in the span of just a handful of seconds – create this warm, witty, wonderful conversation that I’d have with her.
When I was single, I would see a beautiful girl and my mind would – in the span of just a handful of seconds – create this warm, witty, wonderful conversation that I’d have with her. Now that I’m in a relationship, I don’t let my mind go there. And I have to be really careful when someone new who I could be attracted to comes into my life.
The feelings of attraction are not sinful at all, but feeding them is. And our nature is to feed them, to see where things could possibly go. We do this by intentionally making eye contact, by holding their gaze, by making them laugh, by flirting, by a gentle touch on the arm, by physical closeness.
All of this seems so innocent, but if you’re in a relationship, you are playing with the fire of unfaithfulness and in time I figure that you will get burned. I don’t know, but that is what I am thinking, based on other real-life stories I’ve heard.
So, in these situations I have found that something must be done got to cut off your mind at the legs, so that it is not able to run with potentially sinful thoughts. And that something is actually pretty easy, but it feels like a bummer when you do it because it kills all possibility. Which is exactly what you know you want, but goes against the nature of the flesh – which craves attention and personal interest and sexual tension. I am all about my girlfriend, and I couldn’t feel more strongly about her. But I also don’t trust the sinful bent within me. So, I have learned that when you meet a hot girl, you should – as soon as possible – casually mention that you are in a relationship. That is it.
The feelings of attraction are not sinful at all, but feeding them is. And our nature is to feed them, to see where things could possibly go. We do this by intentionally making eye contact, by holding their gaze, by making them laugh, by flirting, by a gentle touch on the arm, by physical closeness.
About nine months into our relationship, I went to a work-related conference out of state and a hot girl started talking to me around our banquet room table. And I realized that I was enjoying her attention. And I remembered how John Eldredge writes in “Wild at Heart” that due to intrinsic insecurities that guys have, we look to girls to validate us – to make us feel like men. We deeply desire their attention, and their affections, and the affirmation that they give. Donald Miller, in “Searching for God Knows What,” similarly speaks about how we no longer listen to God tell us who we are, we look to and need others to tell us who we are (and thereby give us worth).
I don’t want to live like that, and we are not called to live like that, and I knew that a decision was laid before me. I could talk with her and subconsciously allow my mind (and maybe her mind, which by the way would dishonor her and lead her on) run wild with thoughts of romantic possibilities, or I could cut off my mind at the legs and make it clear that I wasn’t looking, that I wasn’t interested, that I was taken, and that I was all about the relationship I was in.
So, as soon as an opportunity arose to say something like, “My girlfriend and I….” I grabbed it. And I could somehow feel in the air that she was let down (not because I am this super attractive guy who makes all the single ladies swoon – that is far from the truth). And she didn’t really talk to me the rest of the conference, even in passing. But I was thankful. Because I did the right thing. I felt lighter, I felt cleaner, and doing the right thing kept that wedge from coming in between God and me, and that is worth everything.
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Sameer, once again, another well written and insightful and profound article. I however, have a more militant and firm recommendation for our readers out there. Unfortunately, the truth is a lot less warm and cuddly. Should you happen upon the chance in meeting a “hot girl” your immediate reaction should be one of armed defense. Do NOT forget that you are a soldier fighting in a spiritual war and that your enemies have you totally surrounded. You cannot lower your defenses for a warm smile and mysterious eyes. Red flags should immediately go up regarding the intention of the “enemy” that is about to engage you in spiritual battle. This is especially true for those of us who are not in an intimate relationship with someone.
Matter of fact, those “images of creating warm, witty, wonderful conversation [with a beautiful girl]” are the very things that can lead you down the dark side. I’m not just talking about people who are already in a relationship, but also for single men as well. Constant vigilance is what is required in this case….in EVERY potential interaction you may have to face. Should God bless someone with an intimate relationship….treat all others as potential spiritual and LEGAL assailants and learn to defend yourself in all manner. What do I mean by legal threat? Well, if you haven’t read up on what the legal term for “rape” and the way a court can decide what “rape” is in a particular case…you should do so with haste. Even looking at someone the wrong way can be misconstrued as an intention to rape and in the “spirit of self-preservation” they can inform the authorities that you raped them. In this mired and heavily biased/corrupt legal system, (notice I didn’t
say justice system…for such a thing can only exist when Christ sits High on His Throne and all knees bend in total submission to Him) a man can be placed in “holding (IE jail)” for a period of no less than 24-48 hours to ascertain the validity of the accusation made against him regarding a potential rape victim.
False rape accusations are potentially one of the worsts threats ANY man faces today, especially when it comes to their future career prospects..as such devices are not easily deleted from their permanent record. Even if it is a mild and benign interaction, I would treat them with all hostility and assume that they have a dark and evil ulterior motive and tried to get out before they bring in the bigger artillery and tried to implicate you in a crime you didn’t commit. I’m NO conspiracy theorist when it comes to these types of situations, because it happens EVERYDAY to many men. Always make sure that if you are about to enter any type of conversation with a woman, several conditions exist:
1. You are in a public venue which has sufficient video security surveillance to verify your innocence (it’s not whether you are guilty or innocent but what you can prove in the courtroom)
2. You have a fellow colleague, family member, friend, or older chaperon there to validate your actions and your innocence.
3. You have a personal surveillance equipment that is recording the conversation. This one is a bit tricky to pull off since Florida is a two-party consent state and requires that the other party agree to being recorded.
Personally, as long as you have the first two conditions met, you can proceed to having a brief and very formal interaction where the initial business is taken care of and you move on QUICKLY. Understand the longer you stay in that situation, the longer you lose
yourself to temptation as well as the more at risk you put yourself for being taking to the cleaners when they pull out the nastiest weapon known to men…(VAWA false accusations [Violence Against Women Act]). I only say this as a precautionary security countermeasure. You work too hard to set up and run your own personal ministry for God and take care of your family to be set on the path of destruction by a Jezebel harlot who wants her next meal ticket. Remember, the stories of David, Solomon, and Samson
were not just fanciful bedtime stories….they had a very important message about the sinister motives of those “warm googoo eyes and delightful smiles” that we encounter everyday. Their empires were not destroyed my vast, battle-hardened armies…they were destroyed by their dance with temptation and lack of vigilance against the most dangerous of enemies. Just ask yourself this…what’s more dangerous..a rhino coming at you with you having enough response time to evade the impending attack or a quiet and unassuming black widow spider?
By the way, even when you say something like “my girlfriend and I” or you make mention of the fact that you are in a relationship implicitly…for many girls they view that has a challenge and continue to persist. You treat them like enemies from the get-go and you won’t have such a problem. Remember, true Love comes from the Father and Author of Love…God. Trust only in Him…all others pay cash.
Sincerest Regards,
Amit
Love, you’re great. I really like you. And I really like your heart.
Amit, you’re hilarious. And you should look into writing a blog of your own. :) You have a lot of insightful things to share.
Hey Sam,
Great to hear from you. Actually, my post wasn’t really meant for humor or sarcastic wit. I was being 100% serious about the legal ramifications of the “wandering eyes” issue.
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